I just have a lot of my mind that I need to write out
so I know I don’t write out my thoughts on here that often but every once in a while its just nice to let it all out.
This has been a very fun, difficult, challenging, worthwhile, and life changing semester- and it has only been 3 months. I have been broken, challenged in many ways mentally and physically whether it be with learning how to have confidence to give a speech or learn how to study for a biology test. I have been challenged physically with the late nights and early mornings- where my body never gets enough sleep and coffee is the only way I can function. But most of all I have been challenged spiritually. I know I have always been a broken person, as human beings we all are, but this semester while being at Biola God has challenged me and taught me things I could of never learned anywhere else expect at Biola (okay He probably could but at this time in my life Biola is the perfect place). I have learned how to form new solid relationships, for through my whole life I just had my best friends at home and coming to a new school and learning how to seek out people was a new experience for me.. a challenge but I am starting to form strong relationships with people here and I thank God for them everyday.
Something I have always struggled with as a Christian is being lukewarm, something that I am discovering was all due to fear. Fear of being rejected, of not getting the things out of life that I am expecting such as a family, job, etc. The typical American life. However, I am slowly learning this is not what I want. I don’t want to live a safe life where I am locked in my room praying to God but never ACTING for God. It says in the bible that God will grant the desires of your heart, so why the heck can’t I just accept and grasp this idea? Why do I always start to lean on God and RIGHT when I am about to give fully into him back up and run away. This is dumb. My whole entire life I have looked for my affirmation in those around me. One of my biggest love languages is words of affirmation, whether it be from family, boys, friends, teachers, etc. THAT is what I would find my identity in. But this also lead to problems because what they say isn’t always the best. So when my grandma would say that I am overweight, or my mom said I need to work out more, I would identify myself in my insecurities. i could never been pretty enough, never been smart enough. Never good enough to go to an Ivy league, become a doctor.. just like my grandpa would of wanted.
But what kind of mindset is that?? That doesn’t matter. I know I am supposed to be at Biola. God has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be. He is opening so many doors into the career field, ministries, and relationships with my brothers and sisters in Christ and I know for a fact that I am placed at Biola to grow to be a strong woman of God, so when my time comes to leave Biola I will be ready to carry my cross and the gospel into the world.
Now I am not saying that this semester has been easy, for I have been so discouraged with my major, felt more homesickness then I ever thought id feel, and felt immense lonliness.
However, I know that this is normal and if I just keep my eyes focused on God He will place everything in my life as it is meant to be, as He already is. It is only the first semester! I keep having to remind myself of that.
A song by Jon Foreman keeps popping up in my head and everywhere I go lately, so I just want to end this with these lyrics and thank you for reading my rant if any of you took the time :)
God is my shepherd I won’t be wanting I won’t be wanting He makes me rest In fields of green With quite streams Even though I walk Through the valley Of death and dying I will not fear ‘Cause you are with me You are with me
Your shepherd staff Comforts me You are my feast In the presence of enemy Surely goodness Follow me Follow me In the house of God, forever
God is my shepherd I won’t be wanting I won’t be wanting He makes me rest In fields of green Like quiet streams Even while I’m walking Through the valley Of death and dying I will not fear ‘Cause you are with me You’re always with me
Your shepherd staff Comforts me You are my feast In the presence of enemy Surely goodness Follow me Follow me In the house of God, forever In the house of God, forever In the house of God, forever